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I just got back from a stroll around downtown Tallahassee. It was about 9 am on a Monday morning. I was expecting a lot of hustle and bustle, activity, energy and the like ... after all, this is the state capital of one of the most exciting states in the nation. It's where hanging chads got their start and there is nothing that could ever be more exciting than that.
Downtown Tallahassee has the capitol building and is a magnet for tons of lawyers, lobbyist, politicians and associations. It has new condos on almost every corner and is building a couple of new hotels. And yet, on my walking tour, all I saw was, well, not much.
Lot's of parking meters, but no people, no horns honking, no nothing. Kool Grinds, a local Star Bucks copycat has thrown in the towel. "For Lease" signs are everywhere. Retail consists of one or two diehards at best. And several associations have pulled out of downtown because they are fed up with the parking tickets associated with all those parking meters just waiting to catch you parking downtown.
And if you are looking for the nightlife … forget about it. Even stray cats leave the area at night.
So, what's the solution? How can we add some zip to an otherwise zip-less, vanilla toast town? Well, I have an idea.
First, we have to legalize prostitution in Tallahassee. This should be easy. What politician, lawyer or lobbyist doesn't want legalized prostitution?
Next, we have to take advantage of the fact that our new capitol building looks like a 22 story penis equipped with two balls (which act as the domes that keep senators and representatives dry when they are in session). All we have to do is put a giant prophylactic on the capitol and post an illuminated sign that reads, "Florida Stands Tall for Safe Sex".
This sign is sure to pack more punch than the one on top of the State Department of Education building. It reads, “Just Read, Florida!” If you can't read, what good is that sign anyway?
Here's the good part! We hire some infamous madams to kick-start our new initiative like Heidi Fliess, the Hollywood Madam and Deborah Palfrey, the DC Madam. These enterprising females have databases of former clients (stars, celebrities, White House and Pentagon officials, etc.) as well as high brand awareness/preference/value. Just add neon and Tallahassee is going to jump and jive, bump and grind 24-7-360! 
And, this is not just a for-males-only proposition, no ma'am! Heidi Fliess could bring her Stud Farm our way which is billed as the 1st licensed luxary brothel where women pick and choose the man (men) of their dreams.
Disney World, watch out! This could be a better mouse trap in the making. This has more sizzle than alligator farms, fishing, golfing, beaching and everything else that is currently what Florida is known for. And as for Gainesville's puny little one story Risque Cafe ... the only thing risque about it will be the risque of going out of business.
Our condos will be filled. A new convention center will be built. Hotels, motels and no-tells will pop up everywhere. Everyone will want to run for political office. Property taxes will be a thing of the past since taxes off of legalized prostitution will more than fill the bill. Profits off of official state approved condoms (with the state seal) will help build roads, schools and even an indoor arena for the Tallahassee Titans!
“Florida Stands Tall for Safe Sex” will transform our downtown, city and state forever.
